Learning to Let Go

If I had to pick one of the most challenging parts of parenting, it's letting go. Or, if I'm being brutally honest, giving up control. It sounds silly, especially because one of the biggest things we remind ourselves when times are tough is that one day our children will get older and won't need us as much. Personally, though, I love the control. I love picking out her matching outfits, deciding where, what, and whom she'll play with, her menu, her overall daily itinerary, and kissing and holding her whenever I want (and whether or not she does). . .

Imagine, for a second, if your spouse, friends, etc. dictated about 90% of your day. And not even just what you'll do, but how you'll do it. "Make sure when you do the dishes it's by hand and not using the dishwasher, and don't make a mess!" "Let's hang out, but I need you to sit still, not speak, and listen to me!" . . . A little exaggerated, but try and imagine that scenario on a daily basis from most of the people you interact with. We are individuals, with our own brains and thoughts and ways of doing things - or not doing things. I have to come to realize that, on a much smaller and cuter scale, this also includes our little people. When I really get down on my DD's level and put myself in the shoes she HAS to put on by herself no matter how long it takes, I find that she is bossed around, nit-picked, and over-regimented A LOT. I remember wondering why, one morning, she flipped out on me over our usual toothbrush ritual. I picked her toothbrush, put the paste on, told her exactly how to do it, offered to get the teeth she missed, insisted she spit it out, reminded her not to get too much water everywhere. . . What more could she have wanted? Or less, I should say. . .

Part of this blog-writing business is my attempt to channel and quiet the constant state of wondering and worry I feel over my child. Those feelings and acts of control that I impose on my daughter are a part of that, as well. And so, I argue, it does not come from a maliced place but from a place of caring. From the years I spent at home with my daughter (and many days 24 hours a day, seven days a week), I have learned that sometimes the best guidance and love you can show is doing nothing. And by nothing I mean: letting go of the reigns a bit. There are times when, even if I know my daughter could fall and hurt herself, I - for example - fight back the urge to even say "Be careful." Testing limits is human nature, at every age, and if I tell her to be careful or give a long-winded explanation on why she shouldn't do something (which then obligates me to take on more control if she does), she is 99% more likely to do that very thing. Why? Because, like us big kids, she wants to feel like she has some control over her life, even if it's not a decision others agree with. I might first assess how badly a potential boo-boo might be, and, in this case, if she is determined to ride her toy bus like a skateboard I bite my tongue and wait to guide as needed. She appreciates me a little more and rebels a little less when I'm there to comfort her than if I didn't give her the chance to try at all. We also learn about cause and effect. And, frankly, who likes to hear from their parents that they were right and you were wrong? Do I miss the mark sometimes? Absolutely. Do I wonder if I should have intervened when I didn't. . .?

Would I be a mother if I didn't?

I used to think that the best mothers were the ones who were constantly fussing over their kids - forcing them to eat their vegetables or else no more food period, or licking their thumb to clean off some old ketchup from their kid's face (despite said child's total embarrassment and disgust of it). Now, before I go on, let me go ahead and interject myself by admitting that, despite our best efforts to be guiders and foster children who make wise choices on their own, us moms will always have those things we like to control ::holds up hand in guilt::. In fact, those controlling tendencies are some of the qualities we admire and cherish about our mothers the most. My mom was guilty of the licking her thumb to wipe my face thing, but I know (and have always known) that it was really a small act of love. I shake my head, laugh, and think back fondly on it now, but not enough so that I'll subject my own to it. . .

This prose is difficult to organize concisely, because it is a huge lesson I've learned and is a skill I will always be adapting and sharpening. I have used these lessons in my marriage and friendships, as well. And it's funny - giving up control is extremely hard to do, and it does not mean others will. In fact, there are people in my life that, I've noticed, become more controlling as I become less so. In my humble opinion, this is a deep-seated societal issue - but that's for another post. I guess the lessons I've learned that I'm trying to outline are this (I have phrased some into questions, as these are what I ask myself in those "crossroads" moments):

Replace the adjective of "control" with "guide." Think: How can I guide my child to make a decision that will benefit them? Give up control where it's not needed. I have found the less nit-picking I do about the little stuff, like getting dressed, the more likely she is to respond to me when it's truly important. Think: Is this a battle or lesson that's worth controlling for the betterment of us all? Words are powerful. Will my daughter respond better to: " We can't cross the street until you hold my hand," or "We can cross the street as soon as we hold hands."

The quote introducing this post really says it all. In so many ways, the very things I wanted to control with my daughter - whatever it was - the more likely the opposite happened. One of the things I wanted most, and still want, is for us to have a healthy and close relationship. And so, as a new mom, I spent every waking second with her every day of the week for a very long time, thinking that was the recipe for a healthy bond. After some time, I learned that balance was actually the key, but because I wanted so much for us to be close from day one, I inadvertently controlled our lives in such a way that it actually made her kind of tired of me. And, frankly, vice versa. I made it to where I had to do most of the caring (and didn't really allow my husband a chance to); I insisted I had to be the one to care for her, that no other person or entity was qualified to watch her if I was absent; I had to be the only one that fed her, every time; I couldn't be away from her long, or she just had to come along; and, as I'm sure you can imagine, not only did that cause a little unnecessary stress but - in spite of my intense control to force a healthy, close relationship - when she learned to walk she could not run faster from me! Not to say that a closeness like that, especially in the early years, is not healthy or appropriate, but in my case I wasn't seeing the signs that I needed to step back a little bit; on many levels, and for our entire family.

In a sense, control is what us women and mothers are known for; it's one of our biggest strengths, and part of our uncanny ability to lead and guide and care. But like with anything else, moderation is the name of the game. And in most cases, less is more. I am surprised at how truly self-sufficient my daughter can be, how well she can make decisions on her own, and how proud we all are of her for it - and I didn't have to do a single thing. We always learn better by experience or example, than by a lecture or someone "fishing for us," to paraphrase the old adage. And we are guiding little people to one day be big people. I was surprised to learn in my years teaching secondary-aged youngsters that some of the most rebellious kids had the most strict and controlling parents - how could that be? Controlling the things we don't have to, or without moderation, can be stifling and, frankly, take away a kid's ability to make good choices for themselves.

This post is difficult to end. I've been wanting to write this for a long time, and many times found myself procrastinating because I just didn't know how to express all I've learned - and continue to learn! - about the fine art and balance of care, control, and letting go. This really is a process, I presume, that lasts the length of a lifetime. At every stage we control (or guide) different things, let go in different ways, and cross our fingers we did so in such a way that we are all happy with the results. I am, in NO way, shape, or form, an expert, but rather a seasoned scientist in this regard. Frankly, the Scientific Method has really come in handy in experimenting with the intricate nuances of parenting, and how we show the immense love we feel for our children. And, most times, all you really need is love anyway.

Tags: control, parenting, letting go, sanity (add/remove)