The "J" Word

So there's this "J" word gets thrown around a lot in the mommy realm, and it's an interesting concept I've thought a lot about. It starts when we are in our early twenties, watching a tantrum unfold at the supermarket. We lean to our friend and side-whisper judgingly, "MY kid will NEVER act like that!"

**wipes tears from hard laughter (with maybe some real tears in there)**

I have this theory that for every time I have ignorantly said something to that effect out loud, the tantrum fairy has granted me a whopping fit for every ill-informed judgement I've made. My theory also contends, however, that this is all part of motherhood - or pre-motherhood. Every mom (or pre-mom) needs a little dose of those fantastical judgements upon entering motherhood, to then, after some time and experience, gain a more holistic understanding of what raising humans really entails. And not just for themselves, but for others. We really never know what something is like, or can understand how or why mothers do the things they do, until we are yelling obscenities in the middle of the night at some stranded Legos, ourselves.

And then there comes the new mom judging, from both ends. Looking back, so many well-meaning moms tried to tell me not to worry, hover, and other "first-time-mommy-crazies" too much over my little. I was judged for my naivety, and I, in turn, judged them for being too mainstream or stuck in their ways. Again, this is all just part of the mothering cycle. We try to use our wisdom to tell them what we think will help, and guide them from a genuine desire to help, but it seems that sometimes the well-meaning words come out crazy, outdated, or just maybe not what they were looking for. (Sounds a little bit like rearing offspring, no?)

I've learned a couple lessons from this type of judging that goes on. One: Even if some veteran moms come off a little brash, they are still just trying to give you the advice they may have had to learn the hard way. Take what's useful, with a grain of salt, and thank them for their time. Most times, moms just want to share. We all love being moms, how we mother, and if anyone asks us about it we just want to spill our baby-growing guts out! Sometimes I'll strike up a conversation with a total stranger about my daughter, simply because I just love the title of Mother and want to shout it from the rooftops! (And perhaps due to my roots in southern hospitality) And two: Even if I know I'm going to do things my way, it pays to listen, be respectful of their parenting style, and think about why they might be extending their two cents, instead of judging them for being insensitive, old school, or whatever else. Moms are the hardest on themselves, forever wondering if they went wrong, where they went wrong, and when. We don't mean to scare new moms, but most of us are still learning and want to say "Try it this way instead before it's too late and you're up poo creek without wipes!"

For example, even though I have LOVED breastfeeding (so much so that we did it for 30 months), I don't necessarily know if I would do it that long again. When I hear moms say "One year and no end in sight!" part of me wants to slide in and say "Welllll, maybe you could sorta, possibly, think about it and here's why. . ." We will always wish we took advice we didn't, and vice versa, but part of judging (for mamas in all walks of life) is understanding that every mothering experience is unique, and letting moms follow their intuition without assuming the worst for them or discrediting their decisions. No matter how it might look from our outsider's perspective. With that said, I have also come to learn that it is OKAY to judge. And, at least in my experience, it has all just been part of the bigger scheme in learning to navigate through the mothering cycle. To simplify my understanding of it at the root, judging has had survival value for the human species since we were cavemen. If we didn't judge people or things that looked or did things differently from us, it could cost us our lives and our family's lives. Even now, we have to constantly judge situations for reasons of safety. This is not wrong, it is just human nature and not a precise formula we will always get right. We have evolved drastically, however, and so has our need to judge. But, we all have those times we just need to get something off of our Cheeto-covered chests. Mama, you are a human being and if you need to get a little "judgy mom" out of your system you are entitled to do that. I would like to add it's best to do this with a very trusted mommy friend, or your own mom, in a safe place where it will stay there. I think to say "NO judging ever, it's all bad" just isn't a fair or realistic expectation. But, I believe, where judging has gone wrong is the degree to which we do it. Heck, I'm sure this post itself will be fuel for some judgement, but why should that keep me from sharing what I have learned that I feel might help others? If we didn't risk a little judgement we wouldn't learn much from each other at all, or feel the freedom to be the best mothers we are. And I don't believe we can be the best mothers we can be without each other.

Here's a practice I use, however, to redirect judging (that I cannot help) into something useful. For example, Angel Baby starts throwing a tantrum in a restaurant. I think: A.) Give a reassuring, sympathetic yet genuine "I get it" smile, and maybe even say "My daughter gets the same way around this time!" to show that she is not alone, and that, as mothers, we are all in this together. Or I might think: B.) That reminds me, I need to make sure my LO gets her wiggles out before we sit down, or not forget my iPad, because I know my Sugar Plum gets the same way when she's hangry, bored - or simply because she's a tot and it's one of the mysteries of the universe we need not provoke. Or something to that effect. Instead of me judging the situation, the child, and then the parenting, which is not only a black cloud of nastiness taking up unnecessary room in our brain, but unproductive. And, to use the timeless Golden Rule, would you want your peers treating you as if you were bad parental elephants in the room simply because your child threw a tantrum? Even if they had the best night's sleep, have been in a great mood all day, and the general success of the day all pointed to a perfect sit-down experience, it is still very likely for the dinner to crash and burn. Little people are unpredictable, and why promote negativity and put down our peers (even in our minds) just because of that? Let's evolve our judging and turn it into future reminders for ourselves, or an encouraging smile, instead of a missed opportunity to grow and do a nice thing. And the biggest lesson of all that I've learned is that how I judge others, even if I think it stays in my mind, will ultimately translate to my actions and the example I'm trying to set for my child. We would never want our children to judge a book by its cover but instead, learn - and smile - from it.

Tags: judging, advice, kindness (add/remove)